JuicyPosted: April 11, 2012
Granny has taken to talking about herself in third person as if she were referring to a well-behaved Shih Tzu deserving of a fancy treat. She left me a voicemail, updating me on her latest telephone courtier, Mike. “He’s either a Jew or very Brooklyn Irish Catholic. He has a very heavy New York Jewish accent,” she said in her own stereotypical New York Jewish accent.
She delivered incredible visuals from their phonecall that activated four of the five senses, “I think this man has emphysema, he coughed the entire time. It sounds wet, like if you were near him he’d be spitting mucus all over you.” To balance out her criticisms she mentioned that Mike has no problems with his eyes and drives in the dark, these are qualities that an older gal admires in a man.
Months ago when we started this online dating journey, Granny was more than hesitant about putting her information out there on the internet, she was adamant that she didn’t want any online men to have access to her home number because she was sure they were going to try and steal her. It took a full week for me to convince her that using an alter ego was not the way to get online dates. When Mike left her a message on her cell phone after she gave him her number through Match, she called back on her home phone by accident and left him a message, then he called her back on her home phone because he saw the number in his caller ID. I was relieved to hear she’s loosened up her policy, “I don’t care anymore. These men are on deaths door,” she said, “They’re not going to do anything to me, look me up, come visit me, get nuts or any crap.”
Although she loves to knock them down I know part of her thinks this one could be an interesting match. She told him to give her a call sometime, “I made it loose,” she told me. “If he starts spitting juice on me it’s not happening.”
LISTEN TO GRANNY’S VOICEMAIL: granny voicemail.mp3