The Cuddler

Before her date yesterday Granny called me in a huff. “Kid, I got a speeding ticket, those bastard cops came out of nowhere.” This is her second ticket this month. Granny is a crazy driver. I don’t mean crazy for an old person, I mean generally insane on the road. The lady cuts people off, zips through red lights, and takes pleasure in yelling creative profanities out her window. One time I was driving with her and a man cut in front of her, Granny followed him on his tail for three lights until she finally caught up to him, signaled to roll down his window, then said, “What are you sick?” he shook his head confused, “You gotta be sick to pull a move like that.” Then she floored it and speeded away. Although she is maniac behind the wheel I still felt sorry for her. It’s a true bummer to get a ticket, especially before a date.

She called Mike to let him know she was going to be late and tightly wound. “Don’t worry,” he said in a suspiciously soothing tone, “We’re going to have a glass of wine and get you nice and relaxed.” It seemed like a sweet remark, not a precursor of some sketchy old fart behavior.

“I’ll be the handsome, stylish man in the tan slacks and navy shirt,” he told her.

“He looked like he walked out a Sears catalogue from 1992,” she said. “At least he was clean, but handsome? Stylish? I don’t think so.” Apparently he arrived an hour before her to scope out the spot. Granny suspected that he wanted to check the prices on the menu, “That’s what they do,” she grunted, “They figure out how much they’re gonna have to spend.”

She ordered a beet salad, she explained to me several times that it was only six dollars which I agreed was rather cheap for a beet salad. Mike disagreed, “Ya could buy three bunches of beets for six dollars,” he said. She also ordered a hamburger, she sounded out every syllable of the word for me to emphasize how modest she was being in her choice of food.

When the check came Mike pushed it into the middle of the table. “I ignored it,” she said, “I said nothing, did nothing, and pretended I never saw it.” Mike invited her to dinner, she had suggested just drinks but he pushed for dinner therefore I’m on Granny’s team; it shouldn’t have even been a question of whether or not he was going to pay.

All of this we could have worked through, but then she dropped the bomb, “You ready? At the end of the meal, he leans in and says ‘Do you like to cuddle?’ Oy vey smear,” she huffed, “It was like a hatchet falling over my head.” I was now pissed at Mike, if a guy brought up cuddling to me on a first date I’d probably be creeped out, but to my Granny? No sir.

“Oooo yes, I like to cuddle,” she purred to him, “But not until I sincerely feel like cuddling when I know the person for a little while.”

“He had in mind to go to bed with me and do nothing because he can’t have sex, I’m sure of it,” she told me. “All he wants to do is feel me up and get his jollies that way. No way, not doing it. I know where it’s going and it’s not going there.” Amen.

After I listened to her message I gave her a call back to get more of a scoop and ask her how she handled herself and the situation. “I didn’t know what the hell to do because that’s never happened before, who the hell acts that way?” she asked.

She handled it like a classy gal, turning the inappropriate question in on him to make him feel uncomfortable, a technique I like to practice. “What’s your idea of cuddling?” she asked him. “He says to me, ‘You know what I mean.’ I said if I did I wouldn’t ask you, what do you mean by cuddling and I’ll tell you whether or not I like it.” I love that she put him in the hot seat!

“You know hugging, kissing, rubbing each other nicely,” he told her.

“So you want a massage?” she asked him. He nodded eagerly. “I’m not offering, I just wanted to get a clear definition of a cuddle. But it sounds like a romantic massage to me. Did you think that in meeting me that would be involved in tonight?” she asked him.

Mike tried to explain himself but she cut him off, “I don’t know you, I barely know anything about you and I would never consider any of that until I got to know you over several occasions of getting together with a lot of nice dinners.” She added the nice dinners part because she knew he was cheap and it would scare him off.

She got up to leave and he insisted walking her to her car, “He put his arm around me and tried to get a grope. I said, ‘You gotta be kidding me.’”

He then readjusted his arms and tried to get a squeeze at her tush, then he planted a surprise kiss smack on her lips and said, “Gotcha!”

“Never again with this man,” she warned me.

Between the date and the speeding ticket I was feeling really bad for my Granny. I called her back to check in on her. I expected her to sound more downtrodden but instead she was giggling, “I took my rage out on AT&T, I told them off just now. God, that felt good,” she said.

I asked her if she was feeling down about the whole Mike thing, “Honey, if he were the first online guy I went out with he might have scared me off but I’m a pro now.” She sure is.

LISTEN TO GRANNY’S POST-DATE VOICEMAIL:  granny_voicemail.mp3