Leftovers

“I had a date with an older man,” I called to tell Granny.

I know my Granny; I could hear the disappointment in her dramatic exhale. “How old?” she huffed.

“42,” I replied.

“Okay, and what was he a billionaire?” I love that her first assumption was that I am a hot-young-gold-digging-thang on the hunt for a sugar daddy. I’m not denying that I am, but Jeff didn’t really come off as Mr. Money Bags.

“No. He has kids,” I casually slipped out. I knew this would throw her over the edge.

“He’s gonna support them for the next twenty years,” she hollered. “Why on earth at your age and with everything you’re doing in your life would you want someone’s leftovers?” The lady had a point.

I tried to explain my theory on being a second wife but she cut me off with a dose of reality. “That’s not for now, that’s for waaaay later in life.” Although I get where she was going with things, I hope I never end up with anyone that would be considered “leftovers”.

“You are successful,” she affirmed, “a successful independent woman who can take care of herself.” I feel like burning my bras, sculpting a statue of Granny, then saluting it.

Once she built me up and got me back on her team she began to work some classic Granny tricks, “I have a 21 year-old that plays in Godspell,” she told me, I’m not sure where she’s plucking this reserve of young lads from. “Twenty-one and cute as can be,” she assured me.

I didn’t know what Godspell was but I did know I wasn’t interested in anyone who was not legally allowed to drink in 2011. “I met him and his brother. He’s so tall,” she cooed.

She knows how I feel about height. The taller the man, the closer to God. “How tall?” I couldn’t help but play into her game.

“I’d say he’s 6’5-6’8 and I might be underestimating,” she was clearly overestimating. If he was over 6’8 he wouldn’t be an actor he’d be a pro-basketball player. “He’s tall, very tall…. But he’s young so I didn’t think you’d be interested…” she said, clearly trying to pique my interest.

I refused to take the bait, “I’m not. I don’t need a 21 year-old South Floridian actor in my love life.”

“He’s an actor, a singer, and a dancer… and very talented apparently, but okay,” she said giving it one last ditch effort.

“Set him up with Jessie (my rebellious teenage sister),” I suggested. This shut her up.

LISTEN TO OUR CONVERSATION:convo.mp3