Back in Action

I just spent the past two weeks in Barcelona, Paris, and Amsterdam with my friend Melissa. Before I left I called Granny as I always do before leaving the country. The last time I forgot to call she left me two back to back four-minute long voicemails uninviting me to the “ceremony” where we spread her ashes after she dies.

Besides wanting to avoid the dramatics, it’s always entertaining to hear Granny revel in her adventures from far away lands. The lady has been everywhere. Never can I go to a country from Croatia to Kenya that she doesn’t have a story or an opinion to impart.

Granny advised me to be good. I advised her to go on a date before I got back. We both failed.

This was my first time in Europe without my ex-boyfriend. I went wild on my girl’s trip, which is fair to be expected from two single American gals in Europe. I danced on tables, fell off tables, kissed boys, had drunken bike rides, and hilarious encounters. Due to the high price of data roaming, the lack of a laptop, and the excitement of a different continent, my OKCupid addiction has waned while away.

Although there was plenty of fun and flirtation on the trip, what happens in Europe stays in Europe. There were no relations with Euro-boys that are worthy of carrying back to the States. However, all the adventure and good times left me craving a romantic partner again.

I checked in with Granny and the little minx has yet to follow through with an actual JDate. It’s not completely her fault; she swears that the guys on JDate are unresponsive dinosaurs. “Should I be offended that no one is contacting me?”

Before I can even respond, she answers her own question, “Of course not, this is the internet. These schmucks haven’t even met me. They’re old farts cruisin’ on their computers, twiddling their thumbs. No, no way do I give a shit.” I love it when Granny gets self-righteous.

We agreed to shake things up and put her on Match.com. We even sassed up her profile to match her personality. I took the liberty of adding lots of exclamation points in her bio.

I too vowed to step up my game. I messaged back a persistent bearded man that sent me a message reading, “ahem.. I’ve rated you 4 stars.. added you to my favorites… and winked… i’ve run out of passive-aggressive ways of getting your attention.. i live in williamsburg, i make videos all day, my mom thinks im cute, robert.”

I read it to Granny, she says it’s smart of him to only rate me four out of five stars. “He’s got ya just where he wants ya. Now ya want to be rated five stars, right? He wants ya to work for it.”

We planned to meet at a bar at 9 tonight. Granny agreed with the bar setting, “If he’s not a stud, you’re in New York City maybe the guy on the bar stool next to you will be even cuter.” A lady on the prowl.

She plotted with me like a teenage girl, “If he’s a creep, call me then hang up. I’ll call back and say I’m dying. Dying grandma, good excuse to flee.”

So I have my first date tonight. I arranged to meet him at a bar where I won’t know anybody. The shame of online dating is still lingering inside of me. Fingers crossed that tonight doesn’t end with me telling this dude that Granny is dead.