Lawyerz

Granny loves lawyers and I love Granny. Travis, a corporate lawyer (a profession I don’t have the best history with) messaged me “Can we hang out if I’m creepy but I wear shirts in all my pics?” in response to my “You should message me if: You’re not creepy and you are wearing a shirt in your pic.” I gave him the green light even though he only met half of my strict requirements to please Granny (and because I was intrigued by a self-admitted creep).

I thought Travis’ profile was intentionally funny. He stated digging “80’s jamz” more than once. I love a “z” substituted for an “s” so that scored him a point. However, when I arrived at the bar he chose and realized they strictly played 80’s jamz, I concluded there was no intended irony in several parts of his profile.

To fight the initial nerves Travis made several jokes about heroin and meth as we waited for our bourbons by the bar. Not typical ice-breaker chatter but I indulged him until we took a seat and transitioned into a more comfortable get-to-know-you conversation. Somehow we got on the topic of sleep-away camp and before I knew it I was belting out cheers with verses like “la-dee-doddy shake that body, tootie fruity shake that booty.” He quickly realized he wasn’t the only creep at the table.

Camp cheers led to ghost stories. This is the part where Travis began to win me over. Not only is he a corporate lawyer but he is also a very talented scary storyteller. As he got to the climax of his second story full of blood, knives, an escaped convict, and a rabie-ridden dog a real-life homeless person approached us. He had wandered into the bar with roses and came straight up to me. “You are beautiful,” he said, “How did you get so lucky?” he asked Travis. This man was clearly making Travis uncomfortable.

“She’s okay, beautiful is a stretch,” he joked (I’m pretty sure it was a joke).

The homeless man touched my one dimple, “You’re very lucky, you’ve been kissed by an angel,” he told me. I was liking this homeless man more and more. “You two, you’re gonna get married. I know this,” he prophesized.

Both Travis and I shifted. “Uh, this is our first date and we met on a dating website,” I said.

The homeless man gave me confused look so I repeated myself louder, adding, “Ya know OKCupid? For singles?” Heads turned. Travis blushed. The homeless man walked away and took his roses with him.

Now that OKCupid was out of the bag we began talking about how we got into online dating. Travis and his roommate, also a corporate lawyer, are both on the site together. It sounded like the makings of an excellent reality show. Two corporate lawyers, one office, one apartment, and a revolving door of OKCupid gals. Drama, sex, legal services… I’m getting hot just thinking about it.

After our second drink Travis told me he had to get home to catch an early flight to Utah for a bachelor party. I wished him fresh snow for the slopes and hot strippers for the party then we went our separate ways.

For a corporate lawyer, he was much more entertaining than I expected. I’m sure once I tell Granny his profession she’ll hit me with the same predictions as the homeless man.

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2 Comments on “Lawyerz”

  1. T says:

    You let a homeless guy touch your face without asking? You need to work on your boundaries.


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