Mr. Chatty Pants

Granny broke her seal on the online dating scene. Tim, her cheeky date, said he was proud to take her virginity. Although she did plenty of post-date kvetching, I think she enjoyed herself.

I called to get the scoop two hours after her date began. Based on her earlier nerves and schemes, I imagined she would suck down a quick glass of wine then make some wild excuse to bail. To my surprise, when she answered the phone she politely told me she’d have to call back. Her tone of voice was so sweet and foreign I almost thought someone stole her phone.

Her date lasted four hours! I know my Granny, if she doesn’t want to be in a situation she’ll find her way out of it. Although he sounded smart and interesting, Granny can be a tough judge. She picked him apart from his ruddy fingernails to his slight case of tremors. I think it comes from a defensive place of managing future expectations and protecting feelings by finding their faults before they find yours.

She said he was very confident but perhaps too confident. In her recap she complained incessantly about his self-indulgent manner of talking about himself. She said, “He never shuts up, he talked the entire time. I wanted to say, ‘Have a glass of water, my God.’” I think this mainly bothered her because she has a freakishly similar habit.

Eric is a smooth operator. When she pecked him on the cheek in greeting, he said, “That kiss is gonna have to get a little more serious, sweetheart.” Then he asked how she would like it if her hair were blowing around in a convertible. She asked, “Why, am I buying a convertible?” He said, “No, but I have a red BMW that you’ll be riding in.” Bow chicka-wow-wow.

Even though he laid on his best moves, Granny kept a tight guard. When I asked her why she was so hesitant to commit she said, “I had one man in my life where I ate when he was hungry, slept when he was tired, and went where he wanted to go.” It’s going to take some work getting my fiercely independent Granny adjusted to the idea of a companion.

From the sounds of it, Eric is clearly swooning over Granny. When I asked if she would go out with him again, this is what she said: response

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4 Comments on “Mr. Chatty Pants”

  1. Whoever says that they can survive on their own is obviously a liar. That’s probably how the quote “no man is an island” came about. After all, human beings are naturally social creatures and we all need to be loved and care for.But while there are more than 6 billion human beings on this planet yet there are hundreds of millions of singles who should either be married or dating at their age when they are still suffering from a poor social life. It’s really awkward, in ways more than one, isn’t it?Probably, you are one of them. And you agree that being lonely is never fun, that’s why you’re reading this letter.

  2. […] Chatty Pants strikes again! Granny is going for round two with Tim tomorrow night. He’s a total flirt, which Granny says repulses her… I don’t buy it. […]

  3. […] right, and I had two dinners. He talked and talked and I thought what the hell? Might as well get my bang for my buck.” I love that about Granny, […]

  4. […] I might be a shitty granddaughter. Is it wrong to force your Granny to go on a date against her will? Besides my own selfish wishes to be entertained by her tales, I swear I thought it would be a nice for her to develop, at the very least, a friendship with Tim. […]


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