Busted

I was having lunch with some friends when I looked down at my phone and saw that the pesky Dating Junkie, Robert, was texting me. I exhaled, shook my head, and made some vain remark about how he wouldn’t leave me alone. Then I read the message, “Even though we didn’t go on a second date, I’m glad I made it on the blog. Mostly though, I’m glad that Granny knows about me!” My heart dropped, my smug smile fell from my face, I released an uncomfortable squeal. I was busted.

I racked my brain trying to remember what harsh words I wrote. There was his height, his affinity for cats, and his overly skillful use of OKCupid. My beautifully stubborn friends insisted that the best thing to do was to ignore him and remain in defense mode. I tried, but the Jewish guilt that Granny instilled in me washed over and I began apologizing for any remarks he might find unjust in the post. He was more understanding than I expected, way more understanding than I would have been.

I offered to buy him a drink as a peace offering; my friends sat wide-eyed shaking their heads and wagging fingers in my face. I knew it could be a bad idea, but it took some serious balls for him to confront me. Based on the sense of humor that he was bringing to the situation I wanted to give the Dating Junkie another hit. He accepted but added, “Bring a ruler, cause I have some height to prove.”

As I walked up to the bar of his choice I saw him standing outside in a fluorescent orange raincoat. There was no rain in the forecast but I thought it was a strong fashion choice. I stood a safe five feet distance away from him on the sidewalk as he lowered his glasses and gave me a playful stern look. I raised my hands in surrender, “I’m sorry! Don’t hurt me,” I pleaded.

“I thought about beating you up, but clearly I’m too small to do any damage,” he joked as he led me in. The waitress took us at a table with two large chairs facing each other in an odd interrogation style. We sat down, accepting the challenge. Across the table he slid two lottery tickets, the same foreboding gift from our first date. “You sure?” I asked, “It was bad enough losing once.”

He nodded, I scratched, we lost. It was time to get down to business. I apologized about the height cracks, upon further examination it seems Robert might actually be closer to the above-average height of 5’10. I explained that the last three men I dated were 6’4. He said, “It looks like you’re the one with a weird problem, not me.” True.

“How did you find the blog?” I asked, “Did you do an extensive google search of my name because you’re obsessed with me?” He laughed, shaking his head. He then told me a story that I still haven’t decided is fictional or not.

He says that he was helping a friend build her OKCupid profile (not surprising, since he is an expert) when she inquired about what kind of messages to send to prospective matches. He went into his messages to cut-and-paste his generic introductory greeting (ahem.. I’ve rated you 4 stars.. added you to my favorites… and winked… i’ve run out of passive-aggressive ways of getting your attention.. i live in williamsburg, i make videos all day, my mom thinks im cute) when he “accidentally” put it in to a google search which led him to stumbling on to this site.

Oy. I thanked him for being a good sport and with the cat out of the bag we began talking like old friends. We shared stories about relationships, OKCupid, summer escapades, work plans, etc. After laughing for an hour straight I realized I was seriously enjoying spending time with Robert, I even briefly forgot about all his cats until he showed me some more pictures of them.

He called me out on my shit, made me blush, laugh, and kept me interested and wanting more. As we walked out I asked if we could be friends. He said we could try but it would be hard since he’s a sexual predator.

The next morning I expected to get a witty emoticon message from Ryan but he didn’t send any. Granny was right, he knew how to get me just where he wanted me. I decided to text him. I think it’s safe to say, I have a crush on Robert.