You Go Girl

When I recounted my date to Granny I thought she would be confused by all the technology references but the shock only came from his choice of pets.

“Cats? Three? A man? Disgusting.” she said.

I agreed. “Well you weren’t gonna marry him, right?”

I definitely was not going to marry him. Even though I didn’t have any hard feelings about the date, Granny is an avid cheerleader for me and felt the urge to pep me up.

“Kid, you are beautiful, you are intelligent, you deserve to be with someone fantastic–”

“Granny!” I cut her off, “I’m totally cool, it wasn’t horrible it just wasn’t mind blowing.”

“You deserve mind blowing. Oy, don’t we all,” she huffed. “Listen, all I gotta say to you is you go girl, you go!”

With my ego nicely massaged, I changed gears to get the story on her phone chat with the Match.com love interest. “So tell me! When are you meeting him?” I asked.

“Who-oo-oo-oo? The stu-ut-ut-ter-er?” she asked with a repetitive staccato for each syllable.

I didn’t get it. She laughed, “This guy could barely get through a sentence! He has a stutter like ya wouldn’t believe.”

“Granny,” I scolded, “he was probably just nervous. It was his first time talking to you, you’re very intimidating.”

“Me? No way,” she joked. From knowing my ball-busting Granny for 24 years I am shocked that I haven’t developed a stutter.

“It’s apparent why he’s hiding behind a computer,” she huffed.

“Granny!” I yelled.

“Listen, I was very polite. He called when I was in the car driving by the Gardens Mall, we talked for a little bit then the old fart got worried that I wasn’t capable of driving and talking on my phone at the same time. Who does he think I am?”

I know exactly who he thinks she is, and he is right. Granny loves having her cell phone attached to her ear as she cruises through South Florida. Driving with her is a terrifying experience, one where you cling to the handlebar and cringe as she honks at other drivers, and lowers her window to trash talk to them if they pull a move she doesn’t find kosher.

“Mmmhmmm,” I avoided the subject, “and then what?” I asked.

“Then he said he’d call me next week.”

Next week? Apparently Granny’s guy is on the same train as Robert. I guess they prefer to slowly get acquainted before jumping feet first in to a face-to-face interaction. I’m not sure if we both picked guys with the same method or if this is the norm for online dating.

“Well stutter aside, did he seem nice? Will you go get a drink with him?” I asked.

“A drink? I’m gonna to need two drinks, at least, if I’m going to go out with him, but sure. Why not? Maybe a drink will loosen him up. You know, I am open to new things.”

I’m proud of Granny; she’s handling the weirdness of the internet flirts like a pro.

“You go girl, you go,” I cheered.