Bride Hunter

Typically I’m a punctual person, but recently I’ve started showing up fashionably late for my OKCupid dates. I’ll admit it; it’s totally a power play. If I’m late I can avoid sitting at the bar, awkwardly balancing on a stool, trying to maintain good posture and a nonchalant/sexy/intelligent/approachable pout while scanning the crowd on repeat looking for a face that resembles the one that I’ve seen online. I figure that if I give myself a five to ten minute window, my date can suffer through those moments rather than me.

Last night I was late to meet Rob, a man who bravely admits on his profile, “I like reading the Times Wedding Section.” I was impressed by his reveal and curious to find out if he was a wife hunter or just a romantic with an affinity for a gal in a white dress.

When I arrived at the bar I spotted him ordering drinks, my scheme was going exactly as planned. I was about to wave when I saw him hand the bartender money for two drinks, a glass of wine and a beer. I considered. Did he already choose a drink for me before I got there? This wedding lover was more macho than I expected.

“Hey Rob,” I said as I approached. He looked up from the drinks and stared at me like a deer in headlights. “Are you okay?” I asked.

“Oh man,” he laughed, “Something very weird is going on here. I already started a date with another woman.” This was a surprising backlash that I did not anticipate in my tardy tactics. I stared at him dumbfounded as he pointed to a table where a woman sat alone. “I thought it was you,” he said.

Reader, this woman was a tiny little thang with stick straight blond hair (and I’d later find out a Scottish accent). I am a curvy brunette with curly hair and for sure no accent of any kind. We didn’t even look like we were from the same species, let alone the same woman.

He explained that he was sitting at the table waiting for me as she approached and sat down. He thought it was odd that her looks differed from my photos but he assumed that some people put false pictures on the site. She was definitely a babe so it wasn’t the worst scenario for him… until I showed up. I suggested that we have a three-way date, let the best woman win.

He didn’t like that idea. “I’m going to tell her to go,” he said, his face turning beet red over his blunder. I insisted that it might be less uncomfortable if woman to woman I explained the situation.

“Excuse me,” I said, sitting down across from the Scottish gal. She looked up at me with an alarmed expression. “Are you here on an OKCupid date?” I asked.

At first she looked offended then confused, “Uh, no I’m here on a Match.com date.” It’s official, online dating is taking over the city. I explained that she had the wrong guy. She looked up to scan the crowd and at the bar saw her real date (who actually looked quite similar to Rob), he was probably running the same late trick as me. “Jesus, that’s embarrassing,” she said as she darted up grabbed her coat and ran to meet her guy.

It was an entertaining introduction. Unfortunately the rest of the date wasn’t as thrilling. Rob was a very sweet man but we didn’t have any chemistry. Part of me feels guilty that I ruined his chances with the blond. Maybe he’ll join Match to track her down. That would make an excellent love story in the Times Wedding Section…