The WalrusPosted: December 19, 2011
Granny called to tell me about her date yesterday. “I’m gonna start from the end, he’s a very nice man,” she said.
I breathed a premature sigh of relief.
“A very nice man, but he looks like a walrus.”
“What?” I asked.
She began to explain to me what a walrus is, I already knew of the animal but it was fun to hear her break it down for me. “Ya know a large wooly sea mammal? Cousin to the seal? This guy was a walrus. Big chest and belly, silver facial hair like whiskers, and on top of it he was wearing stripes. Stripes that went the wrong way.”
You would think that once you pass your seventies attraction wouldn’t be related to looks and fashion, but apparently that’s not the case. The lady has standards that surpass my own.
They met up at Dunkin Donuts for coffee but once he took a look at the little hotcake that is my Granny he said, “I don’t want just coffee with you, I wanna take you somewhere to have a whole meal.”
On the way to the restaurant they discussed where they live. “I’m in a mobile,” he said.
“Mogul?” she asked.
“Mobile,” he repeated.
This exchange went on a few too many times until Granny said, “The only moguls I know are on a ski slope and I don’t know any of those in South Florida.”
“No, I got myself a double wide,” he said.
It sounded like the rest of the night’s conversation was full of these misunderstandings and inabilities to relate.
He took her to a restaurant in my hometown called the Thirsty Turtle, known for their hot wings and rowdy teenage crowd. “I was eating my dinner at a quarter after five,” she said, “I’ve never had dinner so early in my life. Only old people eat dinner before six,” she said without any intended irony.
Granny alerted my mom, who lives around the corner from Thirsty Turtle, to her whereabouts. She conducted a covert operation to spy on the date. I haven’t gotten all the details yet but it sounds like there was a window and some not-so-discreet waving and awkward neck flicking gestures.
“Overall, how was it? A fun night?” I asked.
“Kid, my night was over before seven. It was a pleasant evening. Like I said, he’s a nice man, but we move at different speeds.”
Okay, fair enough. I’m just glad Granny broke the dry spell. A date with a walrus is better than no date at all.