Whole Foods Hooker

I have created a monster. A man-hunting love monster. Seniors of South Florida: Watch out, Granny is on the loose.

Granny called me the other day, when I picked up she was laughing so hard I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Finally she choked out, “Kid, I grew a pair. I did something I wouldn’t do in a million years.”

She was perusing the aisles of Whole Foods when she came across a case of cheap wine. $2.99 a bottle. She thought it could make a good Christmas present for her co-workers but then she asked herself, “Am I that cheap?” I’m pretty sure we both already knew the answer to this.

As she pondered the dilemma a darker skinned, older man showed up on the scene. “An Arab,” she said proudly in her thick Jewish New Yorker accent.

“A what?” I asked.

“He was an Egyptian, ya know like walk like an Egyptian?” she elaborated.

Aha. Got it. So this Egyptian fellow began filling his cart with the wine. Granny took note of this and asked him, “Have ya tried this wine before? Ya know if it’s any good?”

“In fact I have and really enjoyed the red,” he said, “but I didn’t care for the white.”

The two of them began an intelligent conversation about wine until Granny suggestively asked, “Well maybe your wife enjoys the white?”

He explained that his wife died six months prior. Now he was a bachelor, a lonely bachelor that was confiding his life story with her in the liquor aisle of Whole Foods. She listened and gave her two cents wherever it allowed then finally said, “Look, you’re a very sad man, and you have every right to be. Let me give you my number, when you’re done mourning call me and we’ll go out.”

She said his eye lit up as he quickly scrambled to get a pen and paper. “I will, I definitely will,” he said enthusiastically.

I was impressed and I was about to tell her so when she said, “Kid, I got more juice.”

After saying goodbye and grabbing the carton of wine she made her way to the deli counter, “I wanted some roast beef, ya know sliced for a sandwich? Whole Foods has beautiful roast beef,” she explained. At the counter she caught the eye of another silver-haired gentleman who struck up a conversation with her. “I was on a roll, kid, a goddamn roll.”

Long after her roast beef had been sliced she remained talking to this new gentleman when low and behold the Egyptian returned to the scene, “Thank you so much for your number,” he exclaimed, “I’m gonna call you, you’re definitely gonna hear from me. I really am looking forward to it.”

The silver fox gave Granny a confused look, “He must have thought, ‘Is this an old hooker? Does she do this for a profession? A Whole Foods hooker?’” she said. Completely flustered and overwhelmed by her own mojo, Granny decided to flee the scene. She said bye to both of them, quickly considered checking out one more aisle to see if she could find a third suitor, but changed her mind and headed for the check-out counter.

I suggested we cancel her Match.com account and have her stake out Whole Foods full-time instead. When I asked where her bold behavior came from she laughed hysterically and said, “The devil made me do it, and kid, you’re the devil.”