Whole Foods Hooker

I have created a monster. A man-hunting love monster. Seniors of South Florida: Watch out, Granny is on the loose.

Granny called me the other day, when I picked up she was laughing so hard I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. Finally she choked out, “Kid, I grew a pair. I did something I wouldn’t do in a million years.”

She was perusing the aisles of Whole Foods when she came across a case of cheap wine. $2.99 a bottle. She thought it could make a good Christmas present for her co-workers but then she asked herself, “Am I that cheap?” I’m pretty sure we both already knew the answer to this.

As she pondered the dilemma a darker skinned, older man showed up on the scene. “An Arab,” she said proudly in her thick Jewish New Yorker accent.

“A what?” I asked.

“He was an Egyptian, ya know like walk like an Egyptian?” she elaborated.

Aha. Got it. So this Egyptian fellow began filling his cart with the wine. Granny took note of this and asked him, “Have ya tried this wine before? Ya know if it’s any good?”

“In fact I have and really enjoyed the red,” he said, “but I didn’t care for the white.”

The two of them began an intelligent conversation about wine until Granny suggestively asked, “Well maybe your wife enjoys the white?”

He explained that his wife died six months prior. Now he was a bachelor, a lonely bachelor that was confiding his life story with her in the liquor aisle of Whole Foods. She listened and gave her two cents wherever it allowed then finally said, “Look, you’re a very sad man, and you have every right to be. Let me give you my number, when you’re done mourning call me and we’ll go out.”

She said his eye lit up as he quickly scrambled to get a pen and paper. “I will, I definitely will,” he said enthusiastically.

I was impressed and I was about to tell her so when she said, “Kid, I got more juice.”

After saying goodbye and grabbing the carton of wine she made her way to the deli counter, “I wanted some roast beef, ya know sliced for a sandwich? Whole Foods has beautiful roast beef,” she explained. At the counter she caught the eye of another silver-haired gentleman who struck up a conversation with her. “I was on a roll, kid, a goddamn roll.”

Long after her roast beef had been sliced she remained talking to this new gentleman when low and behold the Egyptian returned to the scene, “Thank you so much for your number,” he exclaimed, “I’m gonna call you, you’re definitely gonna hear from me. I really am looking forward to it.”

The silver fox gave Granny a confused look, “He must have thought, ‘Is this an old hooker? Does she do this for a profession? A Whole Foods hooker?’” she said. Completely flustered and overwhelmed by her own mojo, Granny decided to flee the scene. She said bye to both of them, quickly considered checking out one more aisle to see if she could find a third suitor, but changed her mind and headed for the check-out counter.

I suggested we cancel her Match.com account and have her stake out Whole Foods full-time instead. When I asked where her bold behavior came from she laughed hysterically and said, “The devil made me do it, and kid, you’re the devil.”

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12 Comments on “Whole Foods Hooker”

  1. Lucylu says:

    Love your Blog – have been reading it all day! Found it after it was featured in a UK newspaper, funny to read about the differences in London / New York dating!

  2. Hannah says:

    I’ve just got hooked on your blog. You and your granny are hilarious. Also, as a former OK Cupid user, I can relate to a lot of your experiences (especially the beardly ones). I’ve just bought a house with the very nice (sorry – fantastic!) guy I met using the site. I hope you both continue to enjoy your online exploits and meet some great people.

  3. helensadornmentsblog says:

    OMG this is too funny…. and whole foods does have awesome Roast Beef.

  4. You need to write more! make a book, a movie, a comedic stage show. I DON’T CARE! I want more! you’re an amazing writer and have a way with words.
    If you have blogger I would be interested to follow any other blogs you have.

  5. Michelle says:

    I could not love your Blog any more than I do right now! : )

  6. Swiss girl says:

    Hahahaha……I was brought here after reading an article about your blog in UK’s Daily Mail. I really enjoy your humours. Your granny is too funny!

    “He must have thought, ‘Is this an old hooker? Does she do this for a profession? A Whole Foods hooker?’ — This is simply too funny!!!! LOL!!!!

  7. Ger says:

    This blog is fantastic, had me in stitches. I run a dating company and I know my members would love to read about your experiences.

    Hope you’d be happy for me to share this, let me know.

    Look forward to hearing from you.

    Thanks

    G

  8. Andrea G says:

    OMG I LOVED this post. My 65 year old recently widowed Mom and my 15 year old were all howling with laughter as I read it! I hope Granny stays on a roll and Kid you keep being the devil.

  9. Louise says:

    This is so great. Love your blog – my sister (also a blogger) found you and shared this on Facebook. It’s hilarious. I hope to be as awesome as your granny when I’m an old woman!

  10. Jo Miller says:

    LOL. Granny, I will be a young 60 in two weeks and am definitely taking tips from U.

  11. […] Whole Foods hooker is back in […]


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